Sunday, May 6, 2012

Rowena Raven: Chapter Eight


man, I'm really bad about pictures, aren't I?

The door slammed downstairs, and it woke me up. Immediately, my eyes sought the windows to figure out what general time of day it was. My alarm clock usually woke me up at seven, but it hadn’t gone off yet. The fading darkness told me it was extremely early in the morning, not more than four-thirty or five o clock. My hand came up to rub my eyes and I rolled over, trying to go back to bed.
But then I thought, wait, why had the door slammed? And then I thought, delayed reactions like this are going to get me in trouble with business like this. And then I thought of Rowena’s baby. Velvet Skies, the name made me think of the particular brand of gray the sky happened to be right now.
There was no time wasted between my bedroom and the “guest’s” room. I even banged hip on the edge of my desk. Just as I thought, the only one missing was Rowena. I hurried not to jump to conclusions though, surely she wouldn’t have run away again? We were making so much progress. I checked the upstairs bathroom, and then, quietly, daisy’s office and bedroom.
I was even quicker to check every room downstairs, but that didn’t speed up finding her at all. If I’d found her sitting somewhere all normal, sipping tea, running up to her all flustered and breathless, I’m not really sure what I would have told her, or even if I’d be able to tell her anything at all.
I saw the mug of abandoned tea on the coffee table in the foyer and picked it up, still warm, still full. I set it back down and went to grab my keys before going outside, just in case she wasn’t even in the yard. It had been twelve minutes between when the door woke me up and that moment, she could be so far away by now.
The thought only motivated me to move faster, checking the yard barefoot, not bothering to put a shirt on or check if my hair looked ridiculous. I couldn’t explain my own recklessness, refused to admit that it was love, and that I was just worried she was gone.
Instead, I assured myself that my already teetering business would surely go under if Rowena were to go missing, or commit suicide. All my work thus far, gone, and what a shame because I was still so young. And even then, my poor sister who would be dragged down with me. Maybe we could go back to daddie’s house and ask him to hire us. “We’re so sorry we tried to prove ourselves, dad. We’ll bend over and be your bitches now, just like you asked.”
I gripped the wheel tighter and only faintly realized I had gotten into my car. I was driving sporadically, slowly sometimes so that I could look off to the side of the road and search for Rowena, and then fast because I knew I wasn’t going to find her.

You understand her, I reminded myself. You know where she went, I yelled into my own skull. But you just have to get there in time. You know she wants you, the littler voice says, that she can’t bear the thought of losing Velvet, but even greater is her will to get him back.
I knew it though, I just knew I would find her on the bridge. She wasn’t going to find drugs, she wouldn’t think of slitting her wrists, and what quicker death than breaking your neck hitting the cold water from however many feet above?

She was standing there, just about halfway over the bridge. She’d been standing there for a couple of minutes already, I’m not sure why I could tell. It just felt right.
I stopped my car a couple of yards behind her, because I didn’t want to startle her. If I startled her, who knew what she would do?
I walked towards her as slowly as I could bear to, because I cared. About my business. If she died, so did my business, I reminded myself.
“Rowena.” I called out to her, she was already leaning so far over the edge. I was about five feet away from her, if she jumped now, I wouldn’t get to her in time. She looked at me and stepped back from the edge a bit.
“Do you think you’re going to stop me?” She didn’t sound distraught, or upset.
“I don’t think I’ll have to.”
She frowned.
“Listen, I understand what you’re going through.”
“You couldn’t possibly..” She scoffed, waving me off.
“No, really, I mean. As best as a man could, I get it, Rowena, don’t do this to yourself, or anyone around you. Please.”

“You really think I’d be standing here if I gave a shit what happened to anyone else?” She sort of faltered at the end, and I thought of Velvet again. I remembered his innocent face in the hospital when I carried him out to CPS, and how he cried.
“Rowena, if you do this, he’ll always blame himself.”
“That’s ridiculous, it’s not his fault he was born.”
“That’s not how children think of it, Rowena.” She turned around, taking a step back towards the edge of the bridge again. I wished I could see her face.
“Rowena, Daisy had a baby too.”
“What’s that got to do with me? You were rich, you were fine, she didn’t have to give hers up, I bet.” I could tell she knew she was wrong.
“That’s why dad called her useless, Rowena.” I dared a step closer. “She couldn’t do anything but the opposite of his wishes.” I imitated my father’s voice. “He didn’t want us dating, but she had a boyfriend all through high school. She got pregnant halfway through her junior year and he almost forced her to get an abortion.”
I watched the slump of her shoulders when she exhaled.
“‘All you can do is be a stupid woman.’ He told her. ‘Just like your mother.’ Because, Rowena, our parents didn’t want her. She was the useless leg, the rebel. She tried so hard to help, to clean, to get good grades, everything.” I stepped closer again, she flicked a glance at me but allowed it.
“And, Rowena, That’s how Velvet is going to feel.” I heard her sigh, and I continued. “He’s going to always try his hardest to please whoever he lives with, and it’s never going to be enough, because he’ll know his mom killed herself after he was born. It will always be his fault. If he hadn’t been born, she would still be alive and well. I’ve got straight A’s, he’ll think, but my mom still wouldn’t love me. I graduated valedictorian, he’ll think, but my mom still wouldn’t love me. I’m a neurosurgeon, he’ll think, but that’s still not good enough for mom.”
She turned around and her eyes said daggers, the rest said she’d given up and would come back with me.
“Come home, Rowena. We all need you.” I suddenly remembered what I’d been telling myself about the business. “And that way, Velvet can live a better life.”
There was a moment when she held her breath and looked up at me from under her scorn, and ultimately, her sadness, and then she breathed out and said. “Come home, Rowena, come inside, Rowena. You could drag me to the ends of the earth, you know, Vanilla. All you’d have to do is say please, and you always do.”

I was stunned. I couldn’t tell if she meant because it was me, or because I was so good at convincing her to do things. For some reason it didn’t worry me much. Beyond that, it was just unbelievable. Would winning her over really be that easy?

                                                                       ~o~

It was days before she even spoke again, weeks before she opened up to a fraction of what she used to open up about. She played the piano a lot, tried to be alone more often.
There was one evening when I was sitting in the hallway, and she was sitting on one of the chairs in the foyer, when Pomegranate sauntered up to her.
He sat down on the couch and waggled his eyebrows at her. He said something, but it was too low for me to hear. She rolled her eyes and said something back.
 He did this thing he always does when he’s annoyed but trying to get something he wants, he sort of clenches his jaw and smiles at you extra-nice. He did that and said something that looked vaguely like ‘but don’t you want me?’
I smiled and went back to the book I’d been reading when she audibly said “Fuck off, Pomegranate,” got up, and walked away.

“God, what is it about me?” She said when she sat down in the chair across from me the next morning for our meeting.

 “Just what is it that makes all the wrong men go ‘oh, I can get with that?” She huffed and looked displeased.
“I don’t know, Rowena. Maybe it’s the way you’ve presented yourself.” She entertained the thought, I could see, because her eyebrows went up for a second and she nodded.

She seemed to struggle with saying something, because she thought about it first, opened her mouth, and then thought about it again. She decided not to say it, and I wondered what it had been.
“How am I supposed to present myself?”
I laughed, “However you think you should. Personally I’d try to be the kind of person who attracts the kind of people I want to attract.”


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