Sunday, April 22, 2012

Rowena Raven: Chapter Six. "The Birth of Self-Hatred."


Okay. The yellow one. I could do this. I could walk to Vanilla’s car and go have this baby. I was ready for this. So ready. It wouldn’t even be that hard, I mean, this is what I was made to do. It was hard to breathe and walk down the stairs at the same time though. I could hear Vanilla rushing around telling everyone what was happening and when he expected to be back by. I had to stop and breathe though, I realized I could not handle walking down and out to the car.
“Vanilaaaaaghh!” I yelled out, towards the end feeling a sharp pain. The person in question promptly appeared at the foot of the stairs, looking a little frantic. “Help me get down there.” I stated, and he nodded his head, seeming kinda distracted as he held my hand and put his other one on the small of my back, reminding me to breathe.
Somewhere in the back of my mind I noted that it seemed like he needed it more than I did. Mentally, I was pretty blank, it was just that physically I was on overload. I was especially bad at handling physical pain considering I’d spent the larger part of my youth considerably numb. I just thought of getting to the car, and once I got to the car it was to the hospital.
It took 16 hours, but it was very busy. I refused to use any drugs which was probably me being just a little too paranoid, but I thought it was worth it. Vanilla didn’t leave the building, and kept trying to come in before the actual pushing started, but he was irritating me being all nervous. I don’t think he was worried about me getting hurt or anything, but he was thinking about what was happening to my baby after it was born, so he assumed I was doing that too. I most assuredly was not thinking towards the future. I was just thinking about getting it over with.
But when I saw that baby’s face, it was suddenly all worth it. Everything I had been working towards just suddenly made so much sense. My mental health was not just for my benefit. It just wasn’t about me anymore.

                                                          ~o~

He looked a lot like Smog, his hair and the shape of his face. There was no telling where he got the shade of his skin from, but he had the exact same deep red eyes as me, and my mother before that. He was generally quiet, just looking around and sometimes making little noises.
After he was born my mind made the jump back into reality. I was warned by Vanilla that I probably had an hour and a half with him at the most. It was about two in the morning and I just wanted to sleep, but I wasn’t about to just throw away my time with him napping.

I walked up and down the hallway with him, just quietly appreciating him, Velvet Skies Raven.
Back in the room I stood in front of the window with him. I knew he couldn’t understand but telling him what was going on just felt right.

“Hello, little boy.” I said softly, bittersweetly smiling at him. “I wish I could stay with you longer, Velvet.” I paused for a moment and looked out the window, I was starting to get choked up. “But we just have to wait a little while. Just a few weeks.” I tried smiling at him again, kissing his forehead.

“Just enough time for mommy to get back on track,” I continued. “I want you to know I’ll always love you.” I told him, still holding back my tears. Even if he didn’t know, I didn’t want him to see me crying. I didn’t want to know where he ended up, whether he ended up in some random foster home or back at Smog’s did matter to me, it was just that neither of them would be satisfactory to me.
“Never forget it, Velvet Skies. You’ll be in trouble if you don’t know that I love you.” For a second it was a bit embarrassing, I wondered if anyone could hear me and I hoped not. The conversation felt very personal and secret.

It actually only took about fourty five minutes for CPS to show up to take Velvet away. They didn’t come into the room, but Vanilla did. I didn’t turn around when he walked up behind me and put my hand on my shoulder.
“They’re here.” He was quiet, like he knew he needed to be, like if he wasn’t something bad would happen.

I looked away from Velvet because at that moment I couldn’t hold back my tears any longer. I didn’t sob or cry out or anything, just silent tears.
“I can’t go out there.” I choked out. Vanilla squeezed my shoulder and reached towards Velvet.
“Let me take him then.” There were no words wasted, he didn’t say ‘I’m so sorry, it’s just the way it has to be.’ or anything. He looked just as disappointed as I felt.
When I handed Velvet off to him my arms felt like empty, cold noodles. I folded my arms and tried not to watch, but when Vanilla walked out of the room with him I did hear Velvet crying briefly. It just broke my heart.

I sat back down on the cold hospital bed, and one of the CPS people came in to get my info and ask me a bunch of questions. Vanilla sat with me through it, but I was somewhere else entirely.

                                                            ~o~

  Jarred awake by nothing in particular later that night, reality hit me again, hard. I’d floated through the house, not really coming down and thinking about how real everything was. It was a comfortable feeling, but it was always worse when the realization hit me, and it always did.

I felt like I was going to be sick. It was all my fault, Velvet leaving, me not getting out of rehab. Completely my fault.
I could have prevented this. I didn’t have to be this far into despair right now. Velvet could have a better life. This was just all my fault. It made me dizzy, I was going to be sick. I had just enough time to run for the bathroom.

 I threw up, but I was so dizzy I wasn’t sure what happened. I must have passed out because I woke up on the floor with a bitter taste in my mouth.
I went downstairs to get myself a cup of tea and calm myself down a bit, thinking to myself on the way there that I was just being stupid, because why should I have to calm down? My baby was taken from me, I wasn’t at fault here, because he should not have been taken away.
I sat in one of the foyer chairs, trying to breathe and stop being so dizzy. I had this pounding headache. But I was sitting there, just staring at the door.


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